Category Archives: Travel

DC has a disproportionate amount of jerks

I’m a firm believer in the “bad apple” theory. If one person in 100 is bitter, angry and selfish, everyone else is bound to be negatively affected simply by standing within their range. Consider that one jerk at the office. When he eats half your lunch from the fridge and then farts in front of your desk when returning to work, it’s natural to feel affected.

Life in Washington, DC can often resemble that gassy coworker. It’s hands-down the angriest, most divisive major city in the United States. For no singular origin, it’s easy to find yourself standing next to someone who doesn’t like you, doesn’t want to know anything about you, and if no one’s looking, might even lean over to step on your hand as you tie your shoe.

Fighting Words

Fortunately for the average fan of cities, much of the anger amongst Washington’s citizens can’t be recreated anywhere else. For starters, DC is ground zero for that endless war between Democrats and Republicans. When averaged out, the metropolitan area is almost exactly a 50/50 red-blue split, with the standard deviation resting on what party is presently in power. And in case you’ve never seen a political ad, speech, or poster before, these two sides hate each other. Elections, and government in general, are almost exclusively reactionary, and political change is usually trailed by a constituency that is motivated enough to make their voices heard. Some famous person once said that “Change is the result of a bunch of angry idiots”. I think that’s how the quote goes.

Job Turnover

The variance in ideologies also dictates the next major problem with a city that hinges on administration changes. Over 250,000 federal and government jobs are filled at any point in DC, but there is little job security because the new team in charge always wants to bring in their own people. This resonates throughout the city via massive turnover rates in almost every field. New lawyers at the Department of Justice, new economists at the Treasury Department, new Capitol Hill staffers and legislators. You see where this is going.

Critics of DC’s job environment will cite the influx of jobs being created every time a new administration takes office. Yes, there are still plenty of jobs to be had in DC, but this current recession aside, consider that most people in most cities expect their jobs to exist in four years. In DC, you’re rarely afforded that luxury.

This isn’t my house

When one feels a sense of disconnect, they’re less likely to react with the same regard for their environment. DC is a city of transplants. People come here from every corner of the country, but less than half of its residents are born in the district’s metropolitan area. If the average DC resident isn’t from here, it’s unreasonable to expect him or her to have a sizable connection to the area. It’s like a guest dropping a glass at a party. They may claim responsibility, even ask for a broom to sweep it up, but you know they’re not doing as thorough of a job, sweeping the corners, mopping the floor, as if it were their own house. “After all”, they might say to themselves, “There’s a bunch of other people here, and the host is going to have to clean up anyway”. Unfortunately, the host is from Texas, and didn’t have to put down a security deposit.

I’ve got a long drive ahead

The DC area is hard to clearly define, since people commute from humongous distances. According to Forbes magazine, DC area drivers spend about 60 hours a year stuck in traffic, and 15% of residents spend over an hour each day driving into work. Sure, other cities such as Los Angeles and New York experience traffic problems, but DC is a fraction of the size of New York and LA, so when you factor in another hour for the return commute, it’s easy to see why so many people have a frown on their face.

The “nod”

When I make inadvertent eye contact with strangers, I give them a nod, as if to say “I realize that we just made eye contact by accident, but I acknowledge your existence”. In the course of a day in a city, it’s easy to occasionally make inadvertent eye contact with strangers. And before I got to the DC area, I considered this gesture to be a good show of manners, especially because there was a 99.9% success chance that the same gesture would be returned.

But I urge you to walk around Washington, DC and test this gesture out. People will look at you with expressions ranging from “who is this person? what do they want? why did they nod at me?” to “I will absolutely try to murder you if you look in my direction again.”

It’s obvious that not everyone in Washington DC is a bad apple. There are thousands of people working in underpaid and stressful jobs for the single goal of helping others. But like a child who just found out the truth about Santa Claus, there are many jaded people who are marching to a downbeat.

One day, while waiting for a Metro train, I bent over to tie my shoe, just as a passing woman stuck the heel of her shoe into my hand. I looked up and asked why she just tried to punch a hole through my second favorite hand. She turned and looked up at me. “I didn’t see you down there” before continuing on. I boarded the train and pushed a man aside, as I made my way towards a seat. It’s hard to maintain a warm disposition when surrounded by frigid bodies.


The Fall in Alice Springs


What keeps a place off the beaten path? Is it distance, unpopularity, a culture of reclusiveness? Maybe it’s all three. But if you add up the sums and pieces of an obscure destination, it sometimes produces a question; why the hell would anyone else want to come here?

The wheels of the train ground to a halt on a stretch of hot red outback. From my window, I watched sparse patches of bush grass and empty ponds of dry gray pebbles broil just on the other side of the glass.

These extended pauses on the 28 hour ride to Alice Springs are some of the few lingering reminders of how daunting a task it once was to cross 900 miles of desert. It also gives my legs time to fidget wildly.

While people like me enjoy the comforts of an air conditioned rail car, the push between nature and human progress continues outside. The hoof path that once threaded its way towards a dusty watering station has been upgraded to one meek train track. Occasionally the train will pull onto a rail switch, and sit, sometimes for hours, in order to give a freight train the right of way.

So, by relying on what would barely pass as 19th century technology in the United States or Europe, I’m able to wonder if Alice Springs still carries the same edge-of-the-earth characteristics I had hoped from looking at it on maps. For a continent roughly the size of the United States, smack in the center, there is usually only one town listed. Alice Springs. A destination half the size of Euclid, Ohio or Monroe, Louisiana, is listed like a world capital. Why on would Rand McNally do something so perplexing?

But as my rubbery legs touched down on soil for the first time in over a day, I discovered something different from an isolated town in between a great sandy desert and the middle of nowhere; I found that the world had gotten there first.

A folly of Alice Springs’ city planners was the unconscionably short sighted decision to allow the K-Mart company to position itself as the first recognizable object, business or landmark, to travelers arriving via rail. And I mean the first very object. After 28 hours of staring at very little beyond red earth and the occasional kangaroo, my eyes were pleading to take in a fresh sight, any sight really; a tree, a landmark, possibly a piddling body of water. But positioned directly next to the rail platform was a commercial establishment so universally recognizable, that I could have sat at home and enjoyed practically the exact same view.

Hesitating for a moment, I decided that this global logo would not deter me from giving Alice a fair shake, especially when the alternative was spending 28 more hours on train ride north to Darwin. So I picked up my rucksack and began a trek into town.

Within minutes, I began to question my decision to forget my tube of sunblock on the train. While my skin had been able to withstand the sun’s best efforts up until this moment, the scars of a solar bombardment could be seen on the tomato-red faces of every non-indigenous townie and proprietor. In an effort to confront the sunlight, sprawling sheets of woven nylon hang in the air from tall structures, forming an umbrella over the sidewalks. But for some odd reason, these canopies never form a straight path, requiring pedestrians to walk in a zig-zag fashion, bouncing quickly from one nylon tarp to the next. Any part of town that doesn’t feature these shady benefactors goes untrekked. At one point, I stopped on an exposed square of black asphalt to photograph a particularly flamboyant banksia flower, only to realize that my shoes were melting.

I eventually made it to the Alice Springs board of tourism to find out more on what there is to do in town. A cheery lady with a beetroot red arms handed me a tourism book from a carousel on the counter.

“Are you staying here long?” she asked.

This was a question that I had somehow overlooked. I originally had planned on spending a few days taking in the sights, enjoying the extraordinary isolation, before securing passage to Uluru. Now having parsed through a travel brochure that included directions to such offerings as K-Mart, McDonalds, and Blockbuster Video, I decided to make my way toward the closest travel agency.

It’s important to mention that Uluru, formerly called Ayers Rock, is not as close to Alice Springs as one would assume from a map. In fact, Uluru is 450 km away from Alice Springs, a solid six hours by car. This makes Alice Springs the travel hub for the world’s largest monolith almost by default. I was unable to avoid this “middle-manning” in any logical way; the residents of Alice Springs have known this nugget of information for long enough to structure the town’s entire economy around getting people to and from Uluru in a fashion most beneficial to the town’s tourism prospects. I researched everything, from rideshares, to car rentals, organized tours, even looking into the cost of flying into Uluru’s airstrip, which was about as pricey as one would expect from a runway for tiny prop planes.

Prop planes aside, it’s difficult to comprehend how empty Australia actually is. It rivals the continental United States in geographic size, yet has less than ten percent of the population. And because every major city rests within 100 miles of the coast, the remaining Australians exist mostly as rumors; dotting massive cattle farms that stretch into the vast deserts of the interior.

A great example of Australia’s empty interior comes from the Royal Flying Doctor Museum, located in the middle of town. I must say that the Museum is one continuously splendid exhibit. Patrons can tour full-scale replicas of the airplanes that fly patients from staggeringly isolated corners of the outback to safety, view films on the history of the service, and purchase souvenirs that are pricey, but send a portion of the proceeds to support a cause deeply rooted in good intentions. I examined a map that displayed the gaping distances that these planes have to cover. The Alice Springs branch covers the entire Northern Territory, which makes up an area roughly the size of Nebraska and both North and South Dakotas. On top of this spacious on-call range, the service operates almost entirely on donations, helping to justify the bloated price on the pack of postcards I was examining.

Stepping out of the museum and into the blistering heat, I decided to duck into the first place with air conditioning, which as a kicker, happened to be a bar. A young lady with cracking skin behind the counter greeted me with a sigh.

“I’m sorry, but we can’t serve full strength beer in the Northern Territory until after 12 o’clock.”

I don’t always find myself with a desire to drink before noon, but in the Australian outback, drinking is one of the two local pastimes, the other one being unsuitable of mention to the average, non-sheep loving individual. And being a rather particular man, I chose the task of gauging how much oat soda I could consume. And after looking around a room full of dissatisfied patrons sipping on half-strength beer, it seemed I was not alone in this endeavor.

“Any idea why not?”

She frowned and pointed toward a crowd of aboriginals gathered alongside a bench outside. “These blokes would drink themselves to death if we did.”

Earlier jaunts into the outback had given me a sense of sympathy for indigenous Australians that goes far and beyond Alice Springs. At the very least, it’s important to mention that there is a visible second class to Australia, and it’s glaring who makes up most of it. Critics of aboriginals will cite the rampant alcoholism, public litter, and drunken fights that clog up the hospitals. And it is hard to deny that if you walk through any park in Alice Springs at any time of day, you will find groups of aboriginal men passed out, encircled by a ring of empty beer tins. I asked a mutual friend working in Alice’s main hospital about this, and she sadly agreed. “Whenever the hospital runs out of wheelchairs and saline bag stands, we walk over to the park and retrieve them.” When I left through the hospital’s main entrance, there were about thirty patients smoking cigarettes, all of them indigenous. I noticed a trail of medical equipment and followed it to the closest park.

But the important flip side to this topic is the tremendous amount of racism that has dictated Australian policy towards its indigenous population. At no point will you see indigenous Australians in any bars, restaurants or working in any shops. Whether it’s by their choosing or the preference of the business owners, I couldn’t find a case of white and indigenous living or working together in town, save for the hospital. The whole issue seems to be intentionally overlooked, like the really old guy who hangs around nude beaches.

So instead of beginning my exploration towards the bottom of a beer glass, I rented a bike and rode to the Alice Springs Desert Park. The Desert Park offers the chance to experience a variety of desert climates, which range from “swelteringly hot”, to “you are literally cooking in your shoes”. But despite the very similar life-sized dioramas, the Desert Park did manage an excellent job of revealing the abundance of life that manages to survive in the intense heat: Shrubs whose roots extend deep into the earth to tap a thin pool of groundwater, beetles that raise their scarab shells like ship sails to catch droplets of moisture in the wind, as well as kangaroos, who appear to drink nothing at all.

Alice Springs takes on an average of only 11 inches of rain per year, so water is in higher demand than any good or service. When explorer John McDouall Stuart stumbled upon the region we call Alice Springs in 1861, he saw what is now referred to as the Todd River and immediately deemed the banks of its waters to be an ideal setting for the construction of a central outpost. But by departing so quickly for Adelaide in order to report his findings, Stuart never witnessed the almost instantaneous evaporation of the river, which dries out entirely for over eleven months each year. In many respects, it’s a coincidence of historic proportions that Mr. Stuart managed to wind up on the banks of the Todd during such a small window of opportunity.

So while John Stuart received the credit for the town’s existence, he never endured a return trip, which was probably for the best. Journeys involving this town were guaranteed to take months, and something as basic as a navigational error would result in death. Today, the highway and freight trains have lessened the gravity of the town’s isolation. Thousands of tourists pour into Alice’s streets each day, and once their eyes adjust to the sun, they soon discover that there is almost nothing to do but drink beer, relish in the isolation and plot their escape.

And while fleeing from Alice Springs is a far safer and readily available option today than any point in history, the inaudible isolation that I and many of my fellow travelers seek, is slowly shrinking under the volume of individually-sliced, commercially-packaged thunder that increasingly shakes the sandy red floor.

This is a catch-22 in some ways for a traveler. The wanderlust gene residing in every person who makes a conscious choice to venture into the desert is also a host for the spread of a globalized commercial presence. Every step I take spreads causes a Kentucky Fried-pandemic; extending into the smallest spaces and corners, and transforming a dusty radio dish town with a splash of a river into the world’s hottest gift shop. It’s a cursed fate of sorts, I suppose.

I rent a car with a pair of Germans, and set out for Uluru. I can only smile at the distance they’ve traveled. It’s entirely possible that an argument exists, capable of dissuading that inevitable sense of uniformity. I think back to the train platform in Alice, and a full-sized statue of a camel transporting its rider, shielded from the storms of sand in scarves and cloaks, as close as possible to its destination. In many ways, the world needs to be explored, and new places need to be seen in order to put the things we know into perspective.

But presuming some idea of entitlement towards a return to a simpler time when children played safely in the streets, pies cooled unmolested on windowsills and clichés grew on trees like bright red pesticide-free apples the size of softballs, is a paradox that I may just spend a lifetime chasing. But on that next ride, I can only hope that I will get there sooner.

X-Ray Specs

Transport safety officials at Melbourne’s airport will now be able to see you naked if you happen to be taking a domestic flight over the next six weeks.

The new “X-ray backscatter” body scanner will be used to do a full body scan of every traveler as they pass through security, presumably in order to check for weapons, explosives, and prosthetic penises.

“It does see through clothing, but it’s not a photographic image, it’s a low-energy X-ray that reflects off the skin,” said Cheryl Johnson, general manager of the Office of Transport Security.

“It will show the private parts of people, but what we’ve decided is that we’re not going to blur those out, because it severely limits the detection capabilities. It is possible to see genitals and breasts while they’re going through the machine, though.”

Ms Johnson addressed privacy concerns by insisting that there are still practices in place to protect a traveler’s privacy.

“The faces are automatically blurred and … it’s only a chalk-style outline, it’s not as invasive as some of the other equipment that we’ve got,” she said.

Ms Johnson was also quick to point out that the security officer being paid to watch naked people walk by is located away from the screening line, so there’s no chance for the guard to compare the image to the person walking through security. Additionally, because the images are not saved, travelers can rest assured that outlines of their pasty, lopsided junk will be burned into the back of only one person’s head.

But if a traveler’s face is blurred onscreen, and the image is deleted almost immediately, then how will security officials be able to quickly identify a suspect? Furthermore, since a security guard is stationed away from the screening line, they will have to be able to identify a suspicious object, relay their findings to a centrally located guard, who then has to receive a basic size/shape description from the original guard, all within a matter of seconds. It doesn’t sound easily done, especially when compounding the problem with human error and dozens of agitated airline passengers.

One easy solution that this writer has been doing for years, is to travel completely naked without any baggage, consenting to searches even when not asked. If anyone has a problem with it, then they’re letting the terrorists win.

Through the Earth to Perth

I wrote this article in Novermber, 2007, but only discovered it in my notes recently, so I’m going to keep the writing as if I was just there….which I wish was the case:

Perth is full of perthy goodness. “Perthy” may not sound like a word, but they use it all the time in Perth. In case you don’t believe me, just fly on over to Australia, and hop on a 68 hour train ride from Sydney to find out.

I’ve wanted to visit Perth for as long as I can remember. It’s just sitting out there alone on world maps, sparking wonder over how or why a major city can be so isolated from the rest of the world. Maybe reaching the other side of what I consider normal could shake my perceptions up like a snow globe, allowing me to reassess the pieces from a new perspective.

I always liked to imagine that things are absolutely different on the other side of the world, but with the internet and advanced transportation, most of Perth has the same look as any other first world city. Only it’s mind-bogglingly far away.

The weather has been pretty much perfect the whole time I’ve been here. I think it averages 74 degrees for the year, and it was exactly 74 for maybe 8 days in a row. Perth is fairly big as a city (1.3 million), but it’s spread out over a decently large area, with a downtown that’s more ornamental than necessary. There’s a pretty good light rail system here, and a low unemployment rate, although due to its rapid growth, there is a housing shortage. Note: One kicker to Perth’s rapidly expanding economy is its title as the first place I’ve ever visited where a shopkeeper offered me a job simply because I was walking down the street. “You’ve shown me that you can stand on your feet”, the shopkeeper said.

Perth is pretty diverse though. Every Australian city is awash in Asian people, but Perth has more Indians, as well as the only statistically significant demographic of black people I’ve seen thus far. They’re clearly coming over from Africa, as this is the closest first world city to so much of the continent. But the big reason why anyone is coming over here is because of mining. This country’s (especially western Australia) economy has an 1840s-1880s U.S. feel to it, as they’re ripping resources out of the ground as a recklessly fast rate. It also seems that Australia is at its peak economically as a result, and this trend should continue for at least another 10 years before possibly starting to tail off.

The mining companies have also started to build entire towns around the mining sites, so they ship in everything from schools, to restaurants, to food, and to prostitutes (apparantly Kalgoorlie necessitated this). Right now, if you’re willing to wash dishes 250 miles from nowhere you can make $60,000/year. Granted, that’s in Australian dollars, but the exchange rate is about $.94 AUS to $1 US, so it’s a pretty penny.

At some point, Perth is going to balloon into the multiple millions, and will no doubt overtake Brisbane as Australia’s third largest city. Melbourne and Sydney aren’t going anywhere, while Brisbane is going to run out of water soon. But Perth is on its way up. And once people are willing to move out here, they’re going to realize that Western Australia has 1200 miles of undeveloped coastline. Once desalinization technology improves, this coast will be able to support 30 million people.

But as ecstatic as I am that I’ve discovered a phenomenal part of the world to live in, I’m even more aware than ever of the curse of wanderlust. I want to go everywhere and see everything, I won’t be able to stay; Perth, and Western Australia as a whole amounts to only a pipe dream. If I lived here, I would essentially be saying goodbye to all of my loved ones. And since I can’t get any of my family members on a transatlantic flight, let alone a 25 hour flight to Perth, I would have to choose between a comfortably magnificent city, and my family. And as much as I’ve been trying to make choices based on my interests, as opposed to the interests of others, I’m not ready to jump ship completely on everyone I know and care about.

I’m leaving for Albany tomorrow, which is southwest, and gives me an opportunity to see Augusta (where the 2 oceans merge) and the Treetop walk near Denmark. The trees are made from highly valuable wood, and the soil contains bauxite, so the logging and the mining companies want them, so if they’re not endangered already, I’d give it 10 years at most.